Weakness: Is it mine, or is it really his?!

I have always been a strong person emotionally. I was always the one that everyone ran to when they needed support. What happened to that person? Where did I go? Slowly and insidiously he has worn away my self esteem. I am only a shell of who I used to be. And I am having the hardest time remembering who that was! What did I love before I met him, what did I enjoy doing?... What things has he called silly or stupid?! I must be locked away in some small corner of my brain still, I can't imagine any other reason for feeling this miserable.

Is it possible that I have only become physically weak and sick because he told me that I was? Is it possible that the emotions that I used to show were appropriate, and over emotional is not a description of me? I admit that I can be melodramatic when the occasion calls for it, which in his opinion was never. But I never thought I was over emotional. No one else has ever told me I was over emotional.

I learned drama as a reading technique to engage your listeners... heck, I learned it when I was a toddler because that was how my mother read to me! I learned it in choir and voice lessons, again to engage your audience. I learned it in debate, as a way to get your point across. I learned it had no place in journalism and stopped pursuing that avenue! LOL!

I hope you, as my reader, won't mind if I slowly dig out memories of my life before my husband, and look for who I really am as I write out these posts. Maybe it can help you or someone else to start seeing the truth about yourself or themselves again. I started this blog as a way to express my pain and frustration. I am a smart, strong person. How did I let this go on for twelve years before I could see it for what it is?! My prayer is that in writing out my pain for all to see, that it will help even one person to recognize what they didn't know is abuse, and break free from it.