Our Amazing Protective Brains

I amazed at how the brain actually does protect us. How did I not remember my husband eighteen months ago throwing my daughter out the front door into the snow because he said she did everything wrong. She tells me the baby (age 3 yo) was on my lap when it happened, and my older son remembers he was scared that Daddy would throw him out too... but my brain had blocked it out. How could any sane person do something like that?! I must have decided it was a dream....

And now as it comes back I realize that I was completely astounded that he would actually do such a thing. I couldn't believe it was happening. Surely he would stop before he got to the door. Surely this was just another of his empty threats....

I wonder how many other events there have been like that... maybe it is better if I don't go down that road. It seems to me that that road could only lead to proof of how bad a mother I am. And I know that is not true! And I can look back and see that my children were never hurt by him... only scared to death that they would be.

Knowing and Believing are NOT the Same!

The hotline lady that I talked to said she was proud of me for believing that I really am a good mother and that my children are good. Knowing and believing are not the same thing. I know (now) that I am not a horrible mother. I know (now) that I have really wonderful children.

But that doesn't necessarily mean that I believe those things. I have heard how bad of a mother I am for pretty much the entire time I have been with my husband. Some days that is what I remember. Other days I really do understand that how bad I am is what HE was and is saying, and that it is NOT the TRUTH! As for my children, I really do believe that I have amazing, wonderful children.... It is just that some days they don't believe that, and “Daddy” runs the house even without being here....

I Used to be... What am I now?

I used to be strong. I used to be smart. I used to be pretty. I used to be pretty good all around! Now, I'm starting to see my own beauty again. I'm starting to remember how happy I used to be, how I used to believe that there was good everywhere.

Would you believe that I was only strong enough to believe that I was being emotionally abused after having my husband out of the house for a year?! It was 357 days ago that he left the house for an over the road truck driver position, and it was the best thing that has happened to me in long time. I can't say in our entire relationship because I have been blessed by two wonderful sons in that time.

Even though he went over the road, today's technology allows us to always be in contact. So he used to require that I call him at least once a day to talk for a couple of hours. And when the children and I started finally getting out of the house (now that Daddy wasn't around to stop us), he would yell at me and tell me I didn't love him because I wasn't constantly available for him. Worse yet, he started to accuse me of having an affair because I left the house.

I think one of the most interesting events of today was finding out that ten years ago he asked my daughter (at that time 5 yo) if I was cheating on him, and then told her she was stupid because she didn't know what he meant.

What has changed now? I realized that the cell phone has an off button (duh?!)... and now I haven't turned it on in over a week.... I am afraid to.

I Never Considered it to Be Abuse...

I never considered it abuse... it snuck up on us slowly, over time, slowly getting worse, and we just never noticed. It's like the story of how to boil a frog. If you put it into boiling water, the frog knows the danger and jumps right out. But, if you put the frog into a pot of room temperature water over a flame, it will sit in the pot never realizing that the water temperature is going up to a point where it (the frog) will eventually die. That's what my marriage has been like.

I know that I have been depressed at various points in my life. But, right before I met my husband, I was not. I do remember having a severe case of the blues, and being upset that I couldn't stay home with my baby girl (she was three at this point), and raise her. I was worried for the future, and wasn't sure if I would be able to support her on my own. And he was so wonderful and caring. He was always thoughtful; he seemed to support my desires...

Twelve years and another two children later I find myself calling a hotline for Domestic Violence to get help.