A Gift of Healing To Share

I wanted to share this page and free healing gift that I received today from Rebecca Marina. She is very insightful and I have healed quite a bit from her wisdom and gifts. This is sure to be just as powerful. Go claim your healing  now. http://rebeccamarina.com/2009/12/gift-heal-abuse/

What If HE Was Right....?

What if HE was right when he said I wasn't good enough? ..that I didn't do it well enough? ..that I wasn't worth it? After so many months, and so much healing, these were not the thoughts I expected to have come up today. And yet, there they were.. an innocent conversation with a man that truly loves me. And yet within those words of love, I hear the echoes of words from so long ago, from other men. Why do they still ring so in my head?

The longer you are with an abusive person, in an abusive relationship, the more ingrained those echoes from the past are. Even if you managed to pull yourself from one abusive relationship to another for years, decades, doesn't mean that any of them were right. You are good enough, you have always been good enough, and you will always be good enough.

And HE IS WRONG... No matter how nice he seems, how well intentioned, how remorseful.. he is still the same, and it will happen again. You are your own person, you have your own power.. now is the time to take it back, fight for it, don't let anyone ever take it away from you again. It is your power, and you are good enough.

I am still here...

I am still here, and life is good. Well, not perfect, but a solid good.
I'll write more about emotional abuse soon. I have grown so much, seen so much of my part in creating/attracting this into my life. I have spent a large amount of time using EFT to work through all of my thoughts and feelings... and I just don't feel the same any more. I don't think about things quite the same way anymore.
I know there are a lot of people out there that would like to feel the freedom from the fear of abuse that just sets into your mind until it is so comfortable that you don't know that it's there. I know other people would like to know how to get out of their own situations. I know other people would like to break the cycle of abuse present in their lives. And so I will go back to all of this, and tell you how I have gotten to where I am now.
And where am I now? I am separated from my husband. And now, we have revived the friendship that we once had. We have been able to be friendly and focus on our kids rather than each other, which means the times when he is here are so much happier. (My husband is an over the road truck driver, so he hasn't been in the house on a constant basis in over a year.) And life is good. And we continue to grow and change.

What Do You Want?

And that's when I heard it. What do you want? What does this mean? Do you want a divorce? Wow... talk about waves of fear coming up... my mind raced over how to answer. Do I say yes, and then figure out how I am going to support myself and the kids tomorrow, do I say I want to try and work things out, do I say no, I just want him to get help?
I went ambiguous, I couldn't really answer...I said I didn't know...

I thought I had gotten all the signs, all those pieces of paper that might say the wrong thing to him... But then he asked if I was sure that I didn't know, if I was sure I wanted to try to work through things, because number 2 on that list over there was "leave my husband". OOPS! The list was behind me, and I didn't know exactly what it said, but I knew it was a list of why that goal was important that I had made over a month ago. I told him it was an old list, it was a thought, it was something that I had been considering. I didn't want to turn around, and prayed desperately that there was nothing else on that list to explain. And then it was quiet.

"I really have supported all your ideas, and I really do love you," he said. I knew that, I felt it in my soul. And I really didn't want to hurt him, I still love him. A momentary fleeting thought that we could work things out.... But we have grown so far apart, we want things that are so different, splitting up would be the right thing for us. I asked him to consider the possibility that he could have said things that hurt us. I told him that I was willing to accept the possibility that he hadn't meant to hurt us when he said those things. I asked him to consider that since the kids and I are so energetically sensitive, that we felt the things he said or did more deeply. And he agreed that he could accept the possibility that he had said things that had hurt us. After all, he has never been good at dealing with the kids, he never seems to actually understand them the way that I do.

Wow, we have both grown. We have both changed so much from a year ago when it would all have been screaming, crying, accusations...

Time to Talk

He announced that he was home for the weekend. His load dropped on Monday a couple hours away, and he thought he would come home to do laundry, eat food cooked at home, and see us. Kind of a twist, losing the phone, not talking to him in two weeks, he wasn't sure if we would even still be here.
I guess that's when I decided it was time to talk. I can't keep up the facade, I can't lie to him...it is not in my nature...I couldn't spend the entire weekend pretending everything was hunky-dorey. I knew he would either accept what I was saying, and realize that he needed help, or it would end the relationship and he would walk out. I wasn't prepared for that to happen... I really don't know how I would financially support myself and the kids right this minute...I haven't worked in over 12 years, and I do not have a college degree to fall back on...I'm self educated...but that doesn't show up well on a job application!
So, I asked him to sit down and talk. I told him that there were things he had to know, because I knew the kids and I were going to respond strangely at times. I told him that we had learned that what we have gone through, the way we have been living, is emotional abuse. I told him that the kids and I are all showing signs of being the victims of emotional abuse, and we have gone looking for help for it. He started out saying that he has always been supportive of me, and my ideas...how could I feel this way. And then I pointed out when he is overtired or just waking up that he has always said and done things that he doesn't remember later. It was one of the reasons that I asked him to go get help in the first place...it was one of the reasons he decided to go over the road.
And then I said the weirdest thing, the most profound thing. It just flowed out of my mouth, and when I heard myself say it, I knew it was true...although I didn't think about it before I said it, quite the reverse. I actually said something without thinking about it; it wasn't guarded, it wasn't checked for others' feelings, it just came out. And then I thought about it. I said, "I don't blame you." And in that split second of saying it and hearing what I had said, my mind raced. If I didn't blame him, then who did I blame. My mind brought up a tally of all the emotional abuse I have been through in my life, and I thought to blame each of them in turn. And I released that thought for each of them in turn. It was deeper than that, it was older than that. I found myself back in the first moment of abuse I could remember, a child of five with my stepmother. I sat there in my mind and wondered if I could blame her, and then asked myself what good it would do. And I let go of the blame....

The Visit

I will let you in on a little secret. I actually sit down once a week and write these posts, and then schedule them to post throughout the week.... Meanwhile, I spend the rest of the week on personal growth, and working through my issues, and growing stronger. While it looks like I take the weekends off, I am actually only writing on the weekends. This weekend was a little different.
I feel blessed in my arrangement. My husband is an over the road truck driver, so I don't have to be in the same house with him every day. And even when we do talk on the phone, I can still see the signs I have posted around me to remind me that I am strong, that I can be happy, etc. I even have signs posted around my desk about being a successful person, inspiring words, goals, reminders of what to focus on (the GOOD)....
Isn't it a funny coincidence then that the post I wrote about losing the cell phone posted on Friday, and a few hours after that my husband drove up. ...Unannounced. Well, that is what I get for not answering the phone! LOL Set myself up for that. Luckily he drives a semi truck, and those things are just not quiet, or easy to just shut off and jump out of like a car. We had just woken up, and we were still laughing and playing tickle monster, and I heard the rumblings of a semi truck. (The kids and I all sleep in the living room... monsters live down the hallway you know.) I jumped up and looked out the window...talk about an vibration change.... I saw a semi truck I had never seen before, but my husband just switched companies and I hadn't seen his new truck yet. But, I could feel it, I knew it was him. There are actually several semi drivers in the neighborhood, so semi trucks are not uncommon.
I ran to get dressed, and then went to my desk and started ripping signs off the wall.... Anything damaging, anything that might say out loud I was getting too strong for him, anything that would tell him how much I wanted to leave him, how much I hated him for doing this to me. When my daughter saw me ripping down signs she ran to the other end of the house and did the same thing...she just felt like she should even though she didn't know why I was doing it. I was shaking as he walked up the stairs and knocked on the door, since it was locked.
It is amazing how forgiving children are...it's too bad we forget how to be that way as we get older.... The boys jumped up to hug him as he came in, which gave me enough time to compose myself.
I was not prepared for the rest of the weekend, I was not prepared for even what I would do...

Cell Phones

Cell phones allow people to stay connected even when they are apart.... I didn't realize how much he could emotionally abuse me over the phone! I guess I should have taken a clue from the kids... no one ever wants to talk to him.... At first they did, but he didn't understand what they tried to tell him. And then they tried to tell him how they were feeling, and what they didn't like. (Like the “cute” nicknames he gave them that they hated.) When he listened to that, they started trying to defend me or their sister, and tell him to stop talking to us like that....

I hate the fact that he gets upset if I don't call him several times a day. He used to get mad at me for taking the kids out places. You know, we would go to the park, or when we started going to free “cooking” classes at the local health food store. Wow, I really did something wrong there... but that's when he stopped making enough money for us to afford where we were living, and we had to move...again. We've gotten used to that over the years, heck I have even figured out how to make moving look good to the kids. Not that we haven't always been upset at having to leave friends again... I'm starting to see that was a big part of the reason we had to move. God forbid I ever get a support network of friends! Thank God for my mom. She has kept me going through all of it, through so many years, even though she hasn't seen it that way, or maybe it is that she just doesn't know. I think I will call her and tell her. I talk to her every week again, like I used to before my husband came into my life. I can't figure out why I stopped. Maybe I was subconsciously too embarrassed to talk to her, maybe it was just my husband getting mad if I was on the phone for to long....

But back to the cell phone... I found a temporary solution... I lost it. I wonder how long I can keep from finding it....